This is an argument that’s pretty much all-around, everywhere, coming out of the mouths of bigots and sometimes, in a less frequent manner, people who don’t know any better who are just getting all of their information from bigots.
Ideas like this range from cis men who slur trans women and signal about “tricking” people into having sex all the way to Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists who are trying to make anti-trans bigotry part of being a lesbian (even though a lot of TERFs aren’t even lesbians).
On a side-note, it is very interesting and noteworthy that bigoted men and Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminists frequently fall into the same brackets.
Here’s the thing.
No, first and foremost, being a TERF (Trans Exclusionary Radical Feminist)/Gender Critical Feminist/radfem is not mutually inclusive to being a lesbian, because I know plenty of lesbians who are both cis and don’t hate trans women for the simple act of existing and being different and/or having stories that are slightly different from ideas about how most come into womanhood.
Secondly, and to the point, not a single trans woman anywhere is trying to trick or force anyone into having sex with them, and our sexualities are completely valid whether you like us or not.
Myself and many other trans people believe that it is absolutely a-okay to not be comfortable with certain genital configurations. There is nothing wrong with that. Nobody is saying that you have to be okay with penis. That you have to date trans women or you’re just a bigoted asshole.
No, that’s not a conversation that’s actually taking place in the trans community. It’s a fabrication, a straw-man. Some made up imaginary argument that people use to literally trick those who don’t know better into falling in-line with their hatred. You can simultaneously not be comfortable with penises or vaginas and still afford trans people the respect and humanity that we deserve.
You don’t have to date anyone you don’t want to.
But this also brings into question things that involve making a sweeping bias like, “No trans people, no black people, no fats” (for example, and I’m looking at you cis gay guys) on dating profiles and such, and how that is actually bigoted.
Why is that specific thing bigoted? Because you literally don’t know every trans person, every black man or woman, or otherwise gender nonconforming person in the world. You don’t know that you’ll never find romance or attraction with these intersections of people.
But you’re making a preconceived notion about entire groups of people and that’s what makes it bigoted.
I just want to stop here for a moment and remind you that if you think this is me saying that you need to have sex with the aforementioned types of people, you’re reading this entirely wrong and you need to start over from the beginning.
Calling you out for making sweeping assumptions about millions of people you’ve never met, though, isn’t saying that you just can’t have genital preferences, that you can’t decide for yourself, on a one-to-one basis if you’d be comfortable dating someone. It’s not saying that you have to have sex with or date someone (to reiterate for the umpteenth time).
Hell, lots of relationships don’t even involve sex, but I’m sure that’s a surprise to a lot of people who base love and romance on sex alone (which is weird, just so you know).
It is a problem, though, if you’re making wild assumptions largely based on stereotypes about marginalized people without ever having spoken to them.
And to wrap all of this up, if you really are one of those people who hate trans women for our existence, who think that we’re really trying to force you to have sex with us, chances are 100% probable that we wouldn’t even touch you with a ninety foot pole. No trans woman anywhere is vying to date TERFs or violent cis men, for that matter.
We don’t want you, and for crying out loud, that absolutely means we don’t want to have sex with you.